Oh my god, quarter-life crisis.

I wish I didn't wake up today. -__-

It seems I'm still in danger of getting hacked, since I still get notifications about a password change in my email.

I'm going to have to delete this account if this fucking keeps up. >__>

Once in a while, stars are born. Some argue that stars these days are made but very very rarely, there are stars that are born that shine the brightest. Michael Jackson was one of those stars who shone brightly for five generations before his light was suddenly extinguished. It is very difficult to describe how I feel now, especially after watching the memorial service and seeing his casket. It's difficult for me to bid farewell to a man whose music and lyrics and performances became like our comfortable family couch and helped shape me in many ways as a person and as a fan.

Growing up during the height of his career made me feel even more privileged to be his fan. Though I only had glimpses of him from TV or read about him in news articles, his songs made me feel somehow...closer to him. I suppose I could credit my Dad for introducing me to the music of the Jackson 5. He told me how sweet Michael Jackson sounded as a kid, singing songs that were written for older entertainers with a maturity that even surpassed these entertainers. I remember singing "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" and giggled when I listened to "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" and it made me wonder if Michael ever got to experience that kind of Christmas.

Then I listened to his solo albums and fell in love with Thriller and Bad almost instantly. There was just something extraordinary about this man's lyricism that blew me away and even more so when he danced. I remember that, as a little girl, I wanted to learn how to dance like him and even dreamed of one day being able to ask him to teach me how to moonwalk. And of course, I saved like mad for my own Thriller jacket. I never got that jacket, but MJ was instrumental in influencing me how to curb my spendthrift ways. It seems like such a small thing to other people, but at that time, it was a pretty big thing for me.

Seeing how he'd inspired so many artists from both older and younger generations and how he'd touched the lives of millions of fans around the globe makes it even harder for me to believe that he is truly, physically gone. What has become like a permanent fixture of my childhood, like that old, familiar family couch is now gone. And I am sad.

His life was painful to watch, and as it continued to unfold through the barrage of controversy, I hoped that he would someday find peace and be able to make the biggest comeback in entertainment history like the man he worked hard to become. He's one reason why I can never let go of my inner child and perhaps, will not let go of it forever.

His success in breaking so many racial barriers and uniting people in the MJ Fever is what makes him legendary. I was surprised that he'd made it to the Guiness Book of Records for the most charitable institutions supported by a celebrity. I didn't know that. But that was probably because he had never been one to brag. During all his public appearances, interviews and such, he appealed for nothing but global healing and love for children. At that time, I was a little girl and when he had started his mission to bring more smiles to children, I felt like maybe I could believe in the world a little more.

Some might think I'm exaggerating, but a lot of what he did for the world made someone like me feel happy. I never got to see his concert in Manila, but he went out of his way to visit sick children in the hospitals in Manila and make them smile. It showed on his face how much joy he took in a child's laughter. And that was one reason why I held on to my belief throughout the controversies that Michael was innocent. Indeed, he was proven innocent but the damage had been done and my heart went out to him in the days that he was mocked and ridiculed by people who just refused to understand.

Others may say that he doesn't deserve this kind of tribute, that there are others who deserve much more, but I say that this was a fitting farewell. It was the best kind of send-off for someone who shaped so many lives by moonwalking and creating a form of escapism for us through his music.

Few are privileged to see such a star shine so brightly up close, but Michael made it possible for us to see him shine from every corner of the world. And for that, I thank him for all the music.

I love you, Michael Jackson and I will miss you.